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We don’t know if he has shared his background with his new girlfriend, although based on our experience, we assume not. The good news is that the girlfriend seems to show an interest in my sister-in-law’s child; we think she is most likely more responsible with the child than the child’s father, and therefore we hope that she sticks around. At the same time, we also feel that someone ought to warn her about her mate’s violent behavior and his history of lying. Would it be ethical for my sister-in-law to share her experience with his girlfriend so she can make an informed decision about whether to remain in a relationship with him? Is it ethical to withhold this information in the hope that she will be in a position to care for the child? Name Withheld The situation you’re describing is disturbing, and your brother-in-law may put some readers in mind of William Styron’s very charming, very deceptive, very troubled character Nathan Landau, from “Sophie’s Choice.” But one thing puzzles me. If your former brother-in-law isn’t likely to look after your sister-in-law’s child properly if left on his own, shouldn’t your sister be exploring the possibility of keeping the child away from his or her father, whether or not he has a nice girlfriend? If, on the other hand, her ex doesn’t pose a risk to the child and is merely not so great with him or her, I don’t see why you’d consider allowing him to con another woman into an unhappy relationship for the child’s sake. (Is it possible that you’ve left out a significant detail or two in your letter?) Because you and your sister-in-law don’t necessarily know whether the man’s psychiatric problems have now been successfully managed, you should be careful about making assumptions about his current state of mind. Your sister-in-law, as the ex, is probably not going to be regarded as a highly reliable source of information in any case. Still, if she and the girlfriend are communicating, she should feel free to pass on what she knows. She would be telling her ex-husband’s new partner only what he should have told her anyway. I am employed by a large nonprofit organization. A year ago, my division supervisor asked if I would be willing to receive additional training, with expenses covered by one of the organization’s special-purpose funds (SPF). I agreed to participate, and I was reimbursed from the SPF. Last month, it was discovered that the SPF could not cover all its anticipated expenses. My department head informed me that the major benefactor of the SPF was unhappy that funds were used to support my tuition and then asked me to donate some of my banked vacation time to the SPF to cover the projected deficit. (In my organization, we are allowed to bank vacation time, which we can donate to SPFs or cash out, if we leave our job with sufficient notice.) I feel I am being asked because my tuition reimbursement is this year’s largest ticket item, and I have the most banked vacation time. I do not want the benefactor to stop supporting the fund, nor do I want others to be denied access to training programs, but I feel I should not be responsible for SPF mismanagement. Is it ethical for the department head to make this request?
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